Self Esteem

Understanding Self-Esteem from a Psychodynamic Perspective

Many people come to therapy wanting to work on improving their self-esteem. But what does self-esteem really mean, and why do some people struggle with it more than others? From a psychodynamic perspective, self-esteem is deeply tied to our earliest relationships, particularly with our parents or primary caregivers, and the patterns we developed in those relationships often continue to shape how we see ourselves in adulthood.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem refers to the way we value ourselves—our sense of worthiness, competence and belonging in the world. People with a healthy level of self-esteem tend to feel comfortable with who they are. They know they have strengths and weaknesses, but neither defines them completely. They are able to receive criticism without collapsing and praise without feeling like a fraud.

By contrast, people with low self-esteem often feel inadequate, unworthy or ‘not good enough’. They may be highly self-critical, doubt their abilities or struggle to trust that others genuinely like or respect them. These feelings are not simply ‘in their head’. They are deeply rooted in emotional experiences that began long before adulthood.

Why Do People Develop Low Self-Esteem?

From a psychodynamic lens, our sense of self-worth grows out of the way we were related to in childhood. When we are infants and children, our parents or caregivers act as mirrors. The way they respond to us teaches us something about who we are and what we can expect from others.

• If our caregivers responded with warmth, consistency and acceptance, we likely developed an inner sense of being lovable and worthy. We felt safe to explore, to make mistakes and to grow.

• If our caregivers were critical, dismissive, unavailable or unpredictable, we may have learned that love was conditional, that our needs were ‘too much’ or that we had to perform in order to be accepted. Over time, this can create an inner voice that echoes those early experiences, leading us to doubt our value and expect rejection or criticism from others.

This doesn’t mean parents are to blame. Most do the best they can within the limits of their own histories, stressors and circumstances. But our earliest relationships leave powerful emotional imprints and these shape how we see ourselves and others later in life.

How Low Self-Esteem Can Present

Low self-esteem can show up in many ways. Some people notice it as an ongoing self-critical inner voice. Others experience it through difficulty setting boundaries, people-pleasing or avoiding situations where they might be judged. It can also appear as perfectionism—working excessively hard to gain approval—or, at the other extreme, giving up on goals out of fear of failure.

Sometimes, low self-esteem can hide beneath confidence. A person might appear outgoing or successful on the surface but internally feel like an “‘impostor’ waiting to be exposed. Therapy often reveals the tension between how people present to the world and how they feel deep inside.

The Role of Early Relationships

One of the core ideas in psychodynamic therapy is that our earliest relationships form a blueprint for how we expect others to treat us. For example:

• If a child felt consistently supported, they may grow up expecting others to be trustworthy and kind, which fosters confidence.

• If a child felt often criticised or dismissed, they may grow up expecting to be judged, rejected or let down, which undermines confidence.

These expectations are not always conscious. They operate beneath the surface, influencing how we feel in friendships, romantic relationships and even professional settings. A client might notice themselves pulling away from others for fear of rejection or, conversely, clinging tightly for reassurance. Both patterns can be traced back to earlier ways of relating.

Importantly, these early experiences can have both positive and negative effects. Even if someone grew up with difficult dynamics, they may also have had moments of being seen and valued and these experiences can serve as a foundation for healing later in life.

How Psychodynamic Therapy Helps

In psychodynamic therapy, we explore how these early relationships live on in the present. Rather than simply addressing symptoms, we work together to understand the deeper roots of self-esteem struggles. This often involves:

• Exploring past experiences with parents or caregivers to uncover where negative self-beliefs began.

• Noticing patterns in current relationships that repeat these early dynamics.

• Using the therapeutic relationship itself as a space to experience something new: being listened to, valued and understood without judgment.

For many clients, this relationship becomes a corrective emotional experience. Over time, they begin to internalise a different message about themselves—that they are worthy of care and respect just as they are.

Moving Toward a Healthier Sense of Self

Building self-esteem is not about repeating positive affirmations or forcing ourselves to ‘feel good’. It is about gradually untangling the messages we absorbed in childhood, making sense of them and creating space for new experiences of self-worth.

Therapy helps clients recognise that their struggles with self-esteem are not personal failings but understandable responses to earlier experiences. As this awareness grows, so does the capacity to treat oneself with greater compassion and to engage with others from a place of authenticity rather than fear.

In summary: Self-esteem is shaped by our early relationships and the ways we learned to see ourselves through the eyes of others. Psychodynamic therapy provides a space to explore these roots and to develop a healthier, more stable sense of self. Through this process, clients can learn not only to understand where their feelings come from but also to cultivate a more compassionate and grounded way of relating to themselves and others.