Intimate Relationships

A Psychodynamic Approach to Mending Fractured Bonds: Addressing Betrayal and Buried Resentment

Love, at its best, is a profound and vulnerable experience. In its ideal state, a committed relationship provides a ‘holding environment’—a secure space where partners feel understood, accepted and emotionally safe. However, the fragility of this bond is exposed when trust is shattered by emotional betrayal, and it is insidiously corroded by the slow poison of unshared resentments. From a psychodynamic perspective, these ruptures are not merely surface-level events but echoes of deeper, unconscious dynamics rooted in each partner's past.

The psychodynamic approach to couple therapy offers a unique lens for understanding and healing these deep relational wounds. It moves beyond simply addressing current behaviours, instead looking at how past experiences, attachment patterns and unconscious fantasies shape the present. By bringing these hidden influences to light, couples can move from a state of conflict and blame to one of mutual insight and responsibility.

Emotional Betrayal as a Traumatic Rupture

Emotional betrayal—whether an affair, a secret financial decision or a pattern of emotional unfaithfulness—is not just a breach of a contract; it is a profound trauma. It shatters the betrayed partner's core assumptions about safety, fidelity and the relationship itself. For the psychodynamic therapist, the initial task is to create a secure space to contain the immense and often volatile emotions that surface. The betrayed partner may experience symptoms akin to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), including intrusive thoughts, hyper-vigilance and a loss of self-worth.

Therapy at this stage focuses on processing this trauma. This involves giving voice to the pain and outrage without the pressure to forgive. A psychodynamic approach helps both partners understand the deeper motivations at play. For the partner who betrayed, this means exploring why they sought fulfilment outside the relationship. This is not about excusing the behaviour but about understanding the underlying emotional landscape—perhaps unresolved childhood issues, a struggle with intimacy or an unconscious re-enactment of a past trauma. The work aims to help the couple differentiate between past and present, so that the current betrayal does not become a re-traumatisation of an earlier wound.

The Corrosive Power of Unshared Resentments

While betrayal arrives in an explosive moment, unshared resentment operates like a slow-acting poison, silently corroding the foundation of love. Psychodynamically, resentment is a symptom of unexpressed anger, hurt or unmet needs. It festers beneath the surface, fuelled by an internal ‘keeping of scores’ that partners are often unaware of. This buried anger can manifest as passive-aggression, emotional withdrawal or a general feeling of contempt for one's partner.

From an object relations perspective, these hidden resentments are often tied to early relational patterns. A partner who felt unheard or neglected as a child may carry an unconscious expectation of being ignored in their adult relationships. When a perceived slight or unmet need occurs, this old feeling is triggered, but instead of communicating the hurt, they may unconsciously withhold intimacy or become critical as a form of self-protection. This is an example of a defensive strategy known as splitting, where the partner is no longer seen as a complex individual but as ‘all bad’ in that moment.

The therapeutic process addresses these buried resentments by helping each partner become more aware of their internal, unconscious reactions. The therapist acts as a container, holding the unspoken emotional tension until it can be safely explored. Through careful interpretation, the therapist helps the couple connect their present frustrations to past emotional injuries. This insight allows partners to recognise when they are projecting old feelings onto the current relationship and to begin expressing their needs directly, rather than through corrosive, unspoken anger.

The Path to Repair: From Insight to Integration

The work of a psychodynamic couples therapist is to help partners integrate the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ aspects of their partner and their relationship. After a betrayal, this means moving beyond the idealised, pre-betrayal fantasy and accepting a more realistic, whole picture of both the partner and the relationship. For the individual carrying resentment, it involves seeing the partner not as the source of all their pain, but as a fallible human being with their own history and unconscious patterns.

Healing is not about erasing the past but about re-internalising the relationship in a more mature way. The therapeutic space provides the opportunity for consistent, non-defensive dialogue where partners can finally process the pain. It's a challenging and patient process, but it is one that can lead to deeper communication, greater empathy and a more resilient, authentic bond. The love that remains is no longer a naive idealisation but a love strengthened by the courage to face and integrate the painful complexities of the human heart.